Why is forgiveness never easy? And how come You’re so good at it? What do You have that we, humans lack? You can easily forget even the biggest mistakes we did without us having to say we’re sorry. You’re love for us is bigger than the whole universe. Indeed, we are Your special sons and daughters. You see how beautiful we are despite the dirt, smell and ugliness brought by wounds that won’t close and sins that won’t budge.
These thoughts linger in my head these past few days. I can’t help but think about some distant memories. It brought me melancholic thoughts when I revisited them. But what’s hard when you think about these feelings is that you can’t push aside the people who caused them, too. It’s a package deal, I think. There’s never a crime without someone out there who started it. They always go together. And then gradually, I don’t feel sad anymore. I feel angry more than hurt, asking more than crying. Forgiveness is hard. I wish there’s a manual for it and I can just condition myself to learn it in a few weeks and then days after that I’ll be perfectly happy and whole, completely healed and looking untarnished and unhurt. How I wish wounds heal easily, maybe forgiveness will come easy, too.
But is that the kind of forgiveness You want us to practice? I know it can never be forced but do we have to wait for our wounds to heal before we can be ready to do it? If not, when is the best time for it? Do we do it while we’re hurting, while we’re nursing our brokenness? Or do we do it when our perpetrators are in deathbed, suffering extremely, in pain, delirious yet certain of dark things to come? Maybe that’s one beautiful face of death. It paves the way for making up, mending broken relationships, realigning priorities, and yes forgiveness even when no one’s asking for it or is willing to admit mistakes. It’s such a humbling experience. It makes us realize how small we are and how big Your love is that You’ll always find a way to make us experience it even up to the last minute, fill our hearts with it and share it with others including those we hate or at some point in our lives hated. Little by little, atrocities made in the past are diminished into pieces. They suddenly become petty, unimportant. For during these times, You’re the only one that matters. Love is the only thing that heals.
Lord teach me to love just like You. This way I can forgive others, even when it’s hard because it still hurts and they won’t ask for it. Help me learn from Mama. Help me find joy in doing it.