New Fears for New Year

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Thank You for last year and all the things that happened whether they are good or not. The latter I will just consider learning experiences. 🙂 I know they’re meant to help me get better. There were heartaches and failed expectations. But then on one side, I must say there were more joys and blessings to be grateful for.

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atrium

R98 🙂

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open deck countdown

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atrium drama

It felt different attending the countdown at sea. It’s something new again and I had fun doing it. There were many people partying out loud, dancing and laughing as wild as they can. Everybody’s happy and excited for New Year. New hopes, new dreams, new opportunities. Amidst the noise, the cold, the colors and the smiles, I thought of You and all the plans I have in mind. It must have been pressure melting over me. I couldn’t understand. How I wish I have my family to comfort me, to tell me things will turn out right no matter what. I really needed that. There’s a small fear slowly getting into my nerves – fear of failure, it is. Fear of moving away from something that’s starting to feel like home to me. Fear of trying only to realize in the end it will not work out. Fear of being laughed at because I didn’t make it. Fear of hearing the words “See, I told you. It won’t work.” Fear of waking up in the morning, seeing myself in the mirror and realizing they’re all right after all. Ayayay…..Fear is such an ugly feeling. It makes me freeze and it makes me shake. It leaves my senses in turmoil. But then I also realized, how ironic that despite this ugliness it has, there’s something beautiful in it, too. It makes me pause, it makes me think, it makes me careful. 🙂 You created it for a purpose – to save and to nurture, a door towards something great. As I look back, I began to think how fear had helped me come up with important decisions which had a big impact on the life I have. Some of them didn’t turn out well yet in the end I was happy making it. I learned important lessons from them. So just take a leap of faith. I know You will always be there. You will cushion the ground when I fall. You will dress my wounds when I get hurt. You will walk with me all the way through. Just like what you did to Esther. 🙂

I guess I should not fear “fear” but rather consider it a friend. Welcome it when I see it coming. Its purpose should not go to waste. It’ll make me grow and prosper. I pray that you will give me courage to every day “do things afraid.” To speak up and fight for what I think is right. To smile and to say hello. To be seen and be heard. To forgive and forget. To risk and always take a chance. To try something new each day no matter how small it is. To listen and to believe. To sing and to dance. To be crazy and to look like a fool. To be laughed at. To let others see I need them in my life. To study and learn again and again. To hear a story after sharing my own. To dream more dreams and make them real. To do the hard stuff. To love and to cry. To hold someone else’s hand. These and many more.

Help me open the door. Guide me as I walk through avenues I’m yet to explore. I know that abundance is waiting for me at the end. Help me remember Your words. Be determined and confident. Do not be afraid of them. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

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